i am 22 going on 23.
it’s two weeks to 23, and i am burnt out and depressed. if you’re a regular here, you already know that i have anxiety disorders which trigger my depression.
if you’re new here, hi. i’m sekhani, and i struggle with anxiety and imposter syndrome and depression and adhd and possibly schizo? i’m still undiagnosed, i’m scared the doctors will confirm it, and confirming it might break me. maybe it won’t, i really don’t know.
i’m sorry for dumping so much information on you as a first timer, it’s just that i want you to understand me and where this essay is headed.
for the first time in years, i do not feel any excitement for my birthday. in past years, i did different things to prepare for my birthday, but this year i just feel indifferent. i do not have a wishlist or a celebration plan, part of me wonders if it’s because i don’t get anything from the wishlist i have put out over the years, but i really want to blame it on the funky state of mind i’m in right now.
birthday depression is real, but what i’m experiencing now is not birthday depression. i cut my hair again, this time there’s no hair left on my head. i told myself that it’s for breeze to touch my brain so it doesn’t glitch all the time, but it’s been one week and the glitching persists.
my friend talked to me about seeing her therapist, i don’t think i’m ready to open up to a stranger. i cannot remember a lot of things that have caused me to be anxious in the past. have i digressed? i’m sorry.
this essay should be about the new year i’m about to enter. i have no idea what i want for 23, unlike other years i’m not eager to write goals, i just want to be alive. i talk about dying a lot, but deep down i want to see what can be.
in two weeks, there’ll be a new door called 23. i’m not scared or excited. i’m not hopeful either.
the title and subtitle was inspired by sound of music, one of my favourite musicals.
