a year in grief.
started this year with so much anxiety, and that should have been the very clue i needed to know how bad this year would turn out to be for me.
hi, i’m sekhani and if you were here last year you already know that my end of the year essay was just some rambling about how i wanted to live in 2023. i lived alright, but no one prepared me for everything this year brought my way.
on finances.
in January, i was navigating my life and finding a new job as i was laid off my previous job in December 2022. i got gigs, but black tax took my savings and well i’m the first child and first daughter, so i couldn’t not be working to help my mom and siblings the best way i possibly can.
this year went by in a blur, but i’ll write to you about the parts of it i can remember.
in the first quarter, i was struggling with my finances and my faith. i wanted to know where i was headed, i needed clarity but it wasn’t coming. also during that time i met someone, now that i’m thinking about it i like that we didn’t proceed to be together because i liked the idea of being in a relationship with them more than i actually liked them. letting them go was hard because of this, but i eventually had to as life was moving and not waiting for me to heal. i understood the importance of having a community outside of your partner, and i decided that to survive i needed to have a community of random people who will end up being people i care so much about and they, me. the first quarter ended with me gradually finding my own people, even when everything else was completely failing.
I started the second quarter half hopeful, understanding what i no longer liked and trying new things to see if I’d like them and stick with them. it’s all blurry like i said earlier, but one thing that stood out for me was getting my job as a personal assistant. i had gotten tired of doing things alone and failing at it, so i sought people who have more and better experiences with getting their lives together. it wasn’t a walk in a park, it required me leaving my comfort zone and the place that my dreams were steadily looked down on. it was also in the second quarter i moved out of my uncle’s house. the plan was simple; get a house and execute all the dreams that keeps me awake at night.
i remember some sleepless nights, nights where i had to work late because a girl has bills to pay. i remember taking on so many other side jobs, but because we’re where we are, those don’t count for much.
the third quarter is a complete blur, i know why. in those three months, i had the worst time of my life. i got scammed twice in a very unsuspecting manner. first one, i got an opportunity to write a book with my friend. the total word count 100,000 words, with pay of 8 naira per word, which would have been 800k at the end of the job. the client said the story didn’t sell so no money for us. i had planned to pay rent with that. i lived in denial for about 3 weeks, before i completely broke down. i cried, cried with my friend, cut my hair and nothing was the same.
second one, someone reached out to me about transcribing some stories and i agreed, mostly because i wanted out of the inability to pay rent situation. the story was the same, submit the work and get ghosted. the pay for this was around 800-1k dollars. for the second time my heart gave, i wasn’t aware of anything anymore.
i remember asking my friend to accommodate me, we stayed together until her rent was due and we were kicked out of the house. we moved around a lot, couch surfing. i finally had to accept that i was not getting any of these monies back, it was hard but i did.
when the fourth quarter came, i thought to myself if it shouldn’t all just end, but i’m still here. i’ve worked so much and hard this year and i honestly have very little to show for it.
i’m ending the year without a house and that’s not the way i planned it, and i’m not hopeful for the new year.
i still have a job that pays me just enough to eat and move around, i still have my friends who have showed me so much love even when I was lost in grief and in myself, for these i’m grateful. I know I wanted to live in 2023, I did infact live but not the way I intended.
on relationships.
i didn’t do this year alone. no matter how much i wanted to be left by myself, i wasn’t really ever alone. my friends knew when to give me space and when to interfere. i was having a mental breakdown around august/september and they suggested therapy and going to the psychiatrist.
i had 2 crushes, but i read somewhere that love is for those that had finished eating and i was barely eating. i couldn’t rope someone else into my hunger, or have to explain so much and trauma dump. we crushed the crush and focused on friendships and community instead.
i started a community for first born daughters, i can’t recall when i started it but we’re currently at 50 members in the community. every woman there is a testament that i wasn’t wrong to start the community.
on life and acceptance.
i had to stop running away from my true self, i unlearned so many things. i battled so much with myself for years, but this year amidst everything i sat with myself and saw me for who i am. they say self discovery is never done, and i agree with whoever said that.
have i mentioned that i struggled this year? i lost so much to the point i saw myself as an unlucky girl. i told my friends about my unlucky girl syndrome and they managed to talk me out of it, but somewhere at the back of my mind it keeps hitting me because how else can i explain so much sad things happening to one person?
2023 is my year of grief, it took and took and left me for ruins, but there were days that didn’t feel so grey.
i want to be hopeful for 2024, but i can’t. i’m just going to take each day as it comes and hope that grief and sadness doesn’t go into it with me.
when you think of me, say me a prayer; that some peace and ease find me in the new year. one more prayer if you don’t mind, that i get a house. a house that can be my home.
